Today my friend Kamea is bringing a gift of hope for all of us that seek a deeper walk with God in times of heartache. She knows God as the lover of her soul. He has rescued His Beloved daughter and brought her into His holiness. She is a mighty warrior for God’s Kingdom and her desire is to encourage brokenhearted souls to never give up. Her story is truly a love story! God pulled her out of a pit.
Here Is Kamea’s Story
When I was just five years old, my life was completely shattered through the selfishness of others. The boys who robbed me of my innocence were not the only perpetrators. In my post Innocence Punished, I shared how the harsh discipline and lack of protection in my family taught me that the world was an unsafe place. I came to believe that I could trust no one, and that I was not worthy of being loved or protected.
Violent nightmares would rip me from sleep, and I would lay in the dark of my bedroom shaking in fear. Crying silently, all alone. During the day, I hid my secrets behind empty smiles.
I tried to convince myself that I was fine, but in reality my life was an empty shell. I trusted no one, so had no real friends. I married a wonderful, loving man, but could not accept the reality of his love for me. I struggled in my faith, as the concept of a loving ‘father’ stirred up all sorts of feelings that confused and upset me.
One day, the secrets spilled out. (See The Path I Never Chose to Follow). Once the bandage was ripped from the wound of my past, I was left with a gaping hole that oozed darkness and fear.
I had struggled with depression before, but that period of time was the darkest of my life. I felt like I had fallen into a deep pit, from which there was no escape. The things that used to make me smile, only reminded me of what I thought I had lost forever. There was a sense of complete hopelessness. It seemed there was no chance of a brighter tomorrow.
Describing what those days were like seems an impossible task. If you’ve been there, then you know. If you haven’t, you don’t ever want to be…
What is this pain, this profound despondency?
I feel weighed down with an intense heaviness,
Yet completely empty inside.
How can something be empty, yet so heavy?
A contradiction of terms, a paradox.
Though perhaps fitting.
Depression, after all, does not lend itself to explanation.
The misery defies reason.
How often have I chastised myself,
Thinking of all the things I have to be thankful for?
Trying to reason my way out of despair.
But to no avail.
There was no reasoning my way out of the pit.
There was no reason at all.
There was just me.
I know how painful depression can be. I’ve been there. I understand. If you are struggling with depression, please know that you are not alone. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
And there is hope.
There was a day when I felt I had no reason to live (see A Season of Despair). Life seemed grey and meaningless. I felt completely hopeless. And alone.
But I was never alone. My loving, heavenly Father has walked with me through it all. It has been through my struggles, not in spite of them, that I have discovered the depths of God’s love for me. In some ways, I can even see my heartache and pain as a gift. Though I would not wish it on anyone, it was my desperation that led me to a total dependence on Jesus. As I learned to cling to Him, and to the promises in His word, I began to hear Him speak amazing words of love for me – not audibly, but in my heart of hearts.
There was something so powerful about hearing God speak these words of love into my life. I began to believe it was true. Others had tried to convince me of His love, but I was not able to ‘hear’ the truth of what they were saying. I was not able to accept that I was worthy of such love. But the fact that I was not able to experience God’s love for me during that season of my life does not diminish the fullness of His affection.
He loves you too, dear one. Whether you feel loved or not, you are! Perfectly. Wholly. Lavishly.
“…Weeping may stay for the night,
But rejoicing comes in the morning.”
Psalm 30:5 (KJV)
My season of weeping was lengthy; it seemed like a night without end. There are days I still struggle, but clinging to the many wonderful promises of God’s word gives me the strength to persevere.
May you never give up hope, dear one. God loves you beyond measure. He walks with you through the dark valleys of your life. You are never alone. He is so very fond of you!
Blessings and hugs,