His words sharply jabbed right through my inner core and left me bleeding. A tidal wave filled with his hurtful inward feelings tumbled over me, crashing me down, leaving me drowning in helplessness. He didn’t mean for me to carry his pain, he didn’t know that his news would break me to pieces. He loved me too much to hurt me.
I had no idea that he was only protecting. I thought he was just mean. Today I know he wasn’t. He was doing his best.
His place of authority to say “no” to my wishes was indeed his right. I know he didn’t take being a Dad lightly. He cared for me with great sincerity. As a child I had no way of knowing or understanding his responsibilities. I just thought he was unfair.
I’m not sure he knew how much anger I had stored up inside of me. I gave him the cold shoulder and he didn’t seem to take notice. I thought he didn’t really love me. Not true of course. I was a very confused girl who had no clue to what really was going on. Nobody wanted me to know the truth. I think they figured that no child should have to be burdened with such sad news. I don’t blame them. A child can only handle so much.
I have three older siblings, my sister by 12 years, brother by 10 and another sister by 8. Having older sister is like having three moms when I was growing up. Lots of love! My Mom and Dad were married for over 60 years before my Dad passed away 2 years ago. He is missed.
My Dad was heartbroken from disappointment and discouragement. I look back on my growing up years and our whole family was filled with sadness. We were quiet about it. We celebrated life and cared for one another deeply. I couldn’t handle the silent pain anymore and so I went to my Dad for answers.
He was driving me to my church youth group when he broke the news to me. I asked him when was my brother going to come back home. My question was long overdue.
And this is why; my big brother would leave home and go missing for months. When he wasn’t missing he was in detention centers. I didn’t know why. It just was.
The drive from my house to the church was only five minutes away. But on this day it was the longest and most painful five minutes ever.
His response went something like this, He is not my son anymore, he is not allowed in our home, I don’t ever want to see him again. And there is no more talking about it.
I didn’t accept my Dads words and I prayed for God to bring my brother home. I hoped that one day we could all be a family eating dinner together. I prayed that my brother and Dad would embrace one another. It never happened.
This makes me grieve.
Today my brother is in prison for life.
I understand now why my brother was not allowed to come back home. Dad knew he had to protect. I don’t know that I will ever understand or know what went wrong with my brother. I’m not a hundred percent sure what his crime exactly looked like. It really doesn’t matter. Even if I did understand, it wouldn’t change a thing.
I rely on God to show me His ways in this matter. I’m thankful that I have God, for it is He that I put my trust in. He doesn’t have to tell me why things happen the way they do. He has a plan. Who am I to question the creator of the universe?
If you have unanswered prayer in your life, remember God is up to something. My hope is in a God who knows what’s best. I’m learning that it’s not wise to put hope in what my human eyes want to see.
Instead I ask Him to let me see things through His eyes. No matter how painful or confusing our loss is, we have a God who cares and will bring all things together for good in the end.
We can hope for His will to be done perfectly. It’s all about trust isn’t it my friends.
Linking Up With – Intentional Tuesdays