“Crap, I did it again.”
“I should have done it.”
“I shouldn’t have.”
“I never do anything right.”
“I’m a mess.”
“Let him do it. I will only screw it up.”
“I’m a mistake and my life is a mistake.”
“I will never be good enough.”
“Nothing good is ever going to come out of my mess.”
We push God away from us because we don’t believe He can love somebody like us.
God says we are forgiven and we are His. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. He knew us before we were in our Mother’s womb. His Son died on the cross for our sins. Amazing Grace has set us free. He loves us with an everlasting love and He will never leave us.
And we say,
“God why are you still here with me, didn’t you see what I’ve done? I don’t deserve you God.”
We push God away.
We don’t see how God could possibly cherish us. We ask how the God that has all things want to have anything to do with us.
In our darkest moment we need Him to love us and we need Him to hold us tightly.
But instead we dig ourselves in a hole and hide from Him.
We stay there because we have convinced ourselves that we will never be smart, pretty, acceptable, lovable, talented, needed, or wanted.
Somewhere in our lifetime we have had things said to us and done to us that caused us to feel bad about ourselves.
Others have said to us you’re too dumb, you’re too fat, you’re too thin, you can’t do it, you will make people leave you, you shouldn’t eat that, you’re just not smart enough. I don’t love you. I fell in love with someone else. You will never make it. You don’t have what it takes. You’re bad or you’re too good. You should know how to do that by now. You can do better.
We have been rejected, abandoned, isolated, demoralized, taken advantage of, abused, accused, and ridiculed.
We want to be loved. We want to be accepted. We want to add value and we want to matter.
So we compare ourselves to others and there is always someone better.
We imagine that if we were thinner, smarter, prettier, and nicer, then we will be loved. We put up with a false image and we still don’t measure up to our idealistic view of self.
When I was a child I had visions of being tall, thin, and having long wavy blond hair. I had it stuck in my head that if I was prettier I would be more lovable. I never measured up to what I thought I should be. A matter a fact I thought I was too fat, my nose was too big, and my hair was way too ugly.
At a very early age I didn’t believe I was good enough.
I was the clumsy kid with reading delays because of dyslexia. I was always the kid that was bullied when no one was looking. There were always remarks being made about my weight even though I weighed what I was supposed to.
Eating problems started for me as a child when I started sneaking food.
When I was twelve years old I started working out and hating it. I only did it so that I could fit in smaller size clothes. I weighed myself twice a day and marked it down religiously on my calendar.
In High School I started sneaking diet pills and missing meals. When I ate more then I should, I tried to purge and I couldn’t.
In my senior year I worked and I was able to afford diet shakes. I would drink them all day and have a salad at night.
Through College I worked out two to three hours a day at a health club, tried different diets, measured my food all the time, and read body and shape magazines until my eyes felt like they were going to fall out. I invested hours and money into my looks. I never could measure up.
I started to look for love in all the wrong places and I ignored all my convictions. I was a Christian since I was eight and so I knew that I was not on the path that I really wanted to be on with God. I didn’t think I was worthy enough because I started making wrong turns at age fourteen looking for someone to say I’m it. Instead I got dumped. For every rejection I faced it just added to my case that I wasn’t good enough.
In my early thirties my mind and body started to shut down with depression. I stopped measuring my food and working out. I became very unhealthy and food became my comfort. Obesity set in. And feeling like a failure added another log to the fire. You are worthless.
I wish I could leave you all with a better ending to my story. But my story is not finished yet. I have health issues bringing me down. I have to find a balance with my diet and exercise. It’s a matter of life or death now. If I don’t eat for good nutrition and exercise for health, I will have bad news consequences.
I want to change, I’m seeking help, and I’m choosing to believe that God loves me. I tell myself that I’m enough. I’m good enough. I don’t always believe it. I’m work in progress.
You are not alone if this is you too. I stay up past midnight being real with you because I know how hard this is. I want to invite you to join our series on self-esteem and food issues starting June 1st. Writers will be sharing their victories and struggles with us.
I’d like to leave you with a song from the Barlow Girls. Maybe like me you can relate to the lyrics from this song. And my readers out there we are deserving of God’s love – not by what we have or haven’t done, but just because He loves us. We need Him to love us. No more hiding.