When I can’t find the words for myself, sometimes I ask my husband to pray over me. But often, his prayer frustrates me.
“Lord may your will be done according to your perfect timing.”
Certainly, when I pray for other people, I too ask for God’s will and God’s timing, but when I pray about something that is really important to me, I implore God for my will to be done according to my timing.
Despite my powerlessness, I crave control, predictability and a plan.
So as Nathan held me close, and tenderly prayed over me, “we pray that things happen according to your plan,” I felt an anger bubble up inside me.
“What’s the point in even praying if you’re just going to ask for God’s plan? I mean, won’t God’s plan be done whether we pray for it or not?”
My anger was fueled by how helpless I felt. But with every bitter word, I grasped onto the last handfuls of control I could find, clutching desperately to my pride and agenda.
I hurried to my bedroom and layed my face against my cold pillow letting the soft fabric soak up my tears. I didn’t pray, but drifted a stream of conscious thoughts up to God, “I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to give up control. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. God this just doesn’t seem fair.”
As my thoughts faded to a peaceful silence, I lay there for a long time. Breathing in and out slowly, I released the strings of control, one by one, watching each fear float like a helium balloon into the cotton candy sky. A thought entered my quiet mind: “Live your story.”
I realized then that God always gives me choices, but above everything else, He wants me to choose Him. When I choose Him, I surrender my pride and agenda; I surrender my life to the story He is writing for me.
And as I pray for HIS will, what can seem like simple words, “Your will…be done…” becomes a challenge in trust and obedience.
So often I struggle to make myself bigger in life– to stand out as capable, and desirable, and successful; to live in a bigger house, to make more money, and to expand my circle of influence and friends. But as I take a step back from building up myself, and as I tear down the idols that threaten to overtake my attention, I’m reminded how small I really am, and what a beautiful thing that is. As I live in the story God has written for me, I can rest securely in His promises and grace.
The very act of surrendering to Him, is a process of making myself smaller to make more room for God in my heart and in my life.
I get up from my bed and wipe the dampness from my face to find my husband. His head is bowed under the circle of a dim light as he reads a book. I fold his hand into mine and rest my head on his shoulder. Quietly I pray “…for thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever and ever. Amen.”
Isaiah 12:2 “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord Himself, is my strength and my defense; He has become my salvation.”
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