Today I would like to introduce you to Jenny! Several weeks ago I invited writers to participate in a series with me about Depression. Jenny Cioto was one of the first ones to say yes. I received her story shortly after. Following is Jenny’s testimony. Her story is filled with hope. It shows how much God loves us and wants the very best for us. There is information about Jenny’s blog at the end of her story. Jenny is living out God’s plan for her life and her story encourages me to seek God daily!!!!! Thanks Jenny for sharing your story.
Next Monday on the 16th we will be announcing our Series about depression. And on Wednesdays we will be hosting stories. We hope you come back on Wednesday the 18th for more inspiring posts. If you would like to share your story about depression please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Sadness that overtakes
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I have struggled with depression from a young age. My father told me I was a pessimist once and I hated that thought. I wanted to be an optimist – that sounded so much better. I wanted to be an optimist. How the heck do I become an optimist?
Well in my teen years I did not regularly find any such optimism – Let’s say for time sake that I was lucky to get out of my teens alive. In my late teens though I got saved. I felt the love of the Lord and His mercy for the first time. With my renewed faith I tried to train myself with scripture and quotes to uplift me. Whenever I found myself going to the thoughts that got me stuck in my depression cycle I had to metaphorically wrestle myself to say things about Gods love for me.
My brain had a hard time accepting the unconditional love that the Father offers us. I couldn’t feel it for very long before I found myself back down in the pits. Thankfully I am also stubborn and refused to stay there. I kept at it. I did not want to be thought of as a pessimist my whole life.
It became easier and easier to be happy. To find joy.
I had that joy in my early to mid-twenties. I held onto that Joy with all my might. It became easier.
Then the love of my life asked me to marry him! It was fantastic. We were getting married and were going to have a slew of babies- ok, well maybe, one or two.
Well, we got married. My husband is a loving and supportive man – not to mention hot – I couldn’t be happier with such a great man! Yet the babies didn’t come. A year into my marriage there wasn’t even a scare. I became worried and sad. Every month was like a repetitive disappointment.
Then the tests started. The temperature taking, the intrusive exams, the medicine, the bloodwork, the sadness creeped in… We found out there was something wrong with me. The insurance would only take us so far and that was not even certain to work.
A sobbing sadness overtook my body I had thought I overcame years ago. My husband didn’t know how to fix it. The poor man was out of his element when it came to depression. We kept saying that miracles can happen. And every other women in my family had been able to have a child so maybe I still could.
God has a plan for good.
I tried to start hiding my sadness. Only letting it out when my wonderful husband was at work. It hurt me more to see the hurt on his face when I couldn’t stop crying. So I went through the motions.
One day something broke inside. I didn’t know what to do. I felt the sadness overcoming my body as it had so many years ago.
I couldn’t let it! I had to fight!
Why did it seem so much harder this time? Why? I had a wonderful husband and a magnificent Lord that both love me. I needed to do what only I could do, with Gods help, one more time. I had to pull myself out of the quicksand and onto the plane of the living.
It amazes me how powerful quicksand feels to me. It buries me so fast that my breath gets stolen and I have to fight to keep my head above the sand.
Looking up I tried to imagine God holding out His hand to pull me out. I surrounded myself with scripture that would encourage me.
Step by step I was able to come back into this world. I knew in my heart God still had good things in store for me. I just didn’t know what they were.
First I had to accept that getting pregnant might not be in God’s plan for me – as heart breaking as that made me.
I learned I could be sad about it. As long as I didn’t let it overcome me again.
Then when I was ready God introduced the notion of adoption to my husband and me.
God does want something good for us. I just couldn’t see it at first because I tend to slip into that struggle of depression. His reward is great when we give Him the power and glory to work in our lives.
I couldn’t pull myself out of depression. However, with God in control, I was shown the way out of the quicksand.
Jenny’s blog is about a Jesus loving wife and mother of five. Jenny shares her experiences of adoption, having special needs children, and just the ins and outs of motherhood through tears, humor, and the bible. motheringwithasideofwhine.wordpress.com