I am a follower of Jesus Christ, mom to two teenagers, and wife to my high school sweetheart. My career in oncology social work affords me many opportunities to encourage and support others in times of distress. I also enjoy playing the piano, leading our middle school youth group, and creating crochet gifts for others.
Blog: www.careydcross.com Personal accounts of drawing closer to Jesus and encouraging the hearts of others.
Our third miscarriage devastated me. I denied what was happening, and when reality came, I fell apart. I was hurt and disappointed, but also mad. So mad, I wanted everyone to know it. I wallowed in my pain and refused to be comforted.
I forced myself through the motions of life, but inside a storm was brewing. Un-reconciled pain and anger clung to the walls of my heart like hot tar. Masked behind a church-going, choir singing, Bible teaching Momma, was a soul at odds with God. One of my journal entries read,
“I am a rebellious teenager in the hands of a loving Father. The more I struggle against you, the more tightly you hold on to me. I wish you would loosen your grip just enough so I could slip through your fingers and be gone.”
Had I settled into His arms that day, I would have found peace. Instead, I pushed away, heckling Him with questions. How could a loving God put someone through this?
I’ve come to understand God doesn’t mind our questions. Ephesians 2:12 says we are to work out our faith with fear and trembling. The fear and trembling was what I lacked. My heart was a spoiled toddler stomping her feet in the face of the Almighty One. Then one day He spoke the words “I AM” directly into my soul, tumbling me from my high and mighty tower. Those words had not meant much before then, but in the middle of my temper tantrum, they shut my mouth and put me on my knees.
God is God. He is the same all the time. If I am willing to accept good from Him when I want it, then I have to be willing to walk through the bad with Him, too (Job 2:10). To be His child one day is to be His child forever, and He doesn’t owe me an explanation for the struggles in my life. In His great love, He sometimes shares His plan with me, but if not, He always offers comfort and peace beyond all understanding (Philippians 4:7).
I can choose to remain in my pain, or let Him help me walk through it.
I still miss the babies we wanted to hold. I still try to be the one in charge. I still struggle with surrendering to His will. In spite of my short comings, God abundantly pours His goodness into my life. He stands next to me in loneliness and confusion in order to draw me out of it. The heart ache of this world is horrific, but temporary. No matter where I am or what I’ve done, I need only call His name, and He is there (Romans 8:38-39).