The cinnamon coffee pours from the Keurig, the aroma filling the house, and I anxiously await the moment I’ll sit to enjoy it. But, this isn’t that moment. I switched from coffee to green tea several months ago, but indulge in the occasional cup during a quiet moment. Clearly, this was one misjudged. Little ones called out for me and cuddles were in order. The house starts moving after that and the coffee sits.
Here I am in a place to encourage, to build up, to do my part through writing, through mothering. This is now, in this season, the way I serve Him. I once stood at a podium, or served in a childcare room. I baked cookies for bible studies, took meals to new moms, and organized events. Then God called us away and added more blessings to our brood, and the season changed.
We all find ourselves in different places of the Kingdom doing different work, and encouraging in different ways. This is our calling. We are called to motherhood. We are called to serve, to make a difference, to inspire for Jesus.
So what happens when we don’t feel very inspirational? I’m there now. I’m not depressed or unhappy. I am married to my best friend, raising and homeschooling 6 beautiful blessings, expecting another, and living in paradise. Life is good.
The thing is sometimes, even when life is good, and the hardest thing we’re facing is how to manage our blessings, we can feel far from God. I don’t question that He’s there. I know it. I know because I am certain He would never leave me nor forsake me. But, I don’t feel Him right now.
The day gets busy with diaper changes and homeschooling, meals cooked and chores done. There is love and laughter and squabbles and discipline. I love it. Every. Single. Moment. And yet, I long to hear His voice through it. There is peace in the name of Jesus.
I can tell something is on the horizon, that He has new plans for us, that there is a new calling in store. I feel it, but then… silence. Part of my problem is my impatience. I want all the answers right now. I want the waiting to stop, even though I know His timing is best. I’ve seen this to be true in my own life and encouraged others to wait on the Lord countless times, but I still ache in the silence of it all.
This is the stuff no one wants to talk about though. Seasoned Christians don’t want to admit that this far into their walk they are feeling like a lost wanderer rather than one who knows their way.
So let me just say this to you and to me. It’s ok. It’s ok to feel a little lost and ache at the lack of direction. It’s ok to yearn for His voice and a sign that you haven’t lost your way. It’s ok to be surrounded by blessings, and yet in the height of managing them, wonder what’s next.
The kids run through the house shouting and my thoughts fade with the noise. There is creamer in the lukewarm coffee, but only a sip enjoyed between making the bacon and eggs. It is a crazy, busy life of serving…blessed in abundance. I doubt there will be much quiet left until night, but I don’t want to miss a moment. I’d love to finish a thought, take a nap, read a book, or sit by a pool…but it isn’t this season. And, I don’t want to waste these moments thinking about the next. I need to be reminded that He is here though. So, I search, and I seek. I read His word, pray, and wait.
If you are searching and seeking Him, that is never bad. God is there, and while we may not feel His presence at this moment that doesn’t negate the existence of Him in our life. Sometimes the greatest growth comes in the desert.
For nearly a year before we moved to Hawaii, I felt this aching that something was going to change. I felt God calling me in a new direction, and yet there was not much direction given. I was confused and overwhelmed. My life had seemed just fine as it was, and yet I could not shake this need to search deeper for what He had in store. Months went by, and I came up empty. I felt so lost and wondered why this need had stirred in me in the first place. So, I pushed it down and determined that it was my own doing.
A few months later we got the call about Hawaii, and I knew that was it. The process was long and would have seemed doubtful to an outsider, but I just knew that was the direction finally given. God was so clear during that process after months of me wondering why He hadn’t been directing me. The thing is, if it hadn’t been for that period of longing and searching, I’m not sure our hearts would have been open to such a drastic change.
God molds us in these times and prepares us for His great plans. Gosh, it’s hard though, isn’t it?
If you are waiting on the Lord for answers, for His presence, know this. He hasn’t left you or forgotten you. He hears every prayer and sees every sigh. He knows your struggles and your heart. He is preparing you for Kingdom work.
Grab hold of the blessings right in front of you and dig into all He has in your life right now. But, don’t stop waiting on Him, or seeking His voice. Don’t abandon hope or give up the search.
My coffee is cold by the time I have a moment. The kids run outside and I sit, for this brief minute, knowing I will hear Him soon, and so will you. We may feel far or lonely, but He never leaves. Stale coffee has never been filled with such hope.
If you enjoyed this post, check out some of Brandy’s other writing…