Depression is a loaded word and to be honest, I never thought of myself as depressed. Depressed people have this stigma of being seriously ill and requiring professional help, couple that with the pressure to be accepted as a teen, and you’ve got denial running rampant amongst younger generations.
However, later in life, after I was saved and walking faithfully with the Lord, I realized just how detrimental my depression was. It’s something I couldn’t identify at all when I living in it. I simply felt like I was “dealing” with life as I knew it, trying to escape it at every chance but more so just surviving and dreaming for better days.
My depression manifested itself in me becoming sullen, withdrawn from everyone except my twin sister. She was the only one who saw me smile, or heard me laugh. She knew all my secrets. My teachers never really heard my voice much unless I was called on to answer a question. Then my depression went deeper into the depths and I started cutting – or self-mutilation as it is termed now. I didn’t cut my arms, legs or stomach. No place where people could potentially see it in locker rooms or in the summer. I cut my scalp, within my hair so no one would ever know.
I also started contemplating suicide, wondering what the easiest and least painful way to go would be. I knew I could never actually do it because that meant my twin would hurt too bad and be alone, but I thought about it on a regular basis. You could say my twin is the one who kept me grounded in many ways.
It wasn’t until she decided to move away that I was faced with a dilemma. What do I do? Now that she’s leaving (abandoning me is what I actually felt), how do I live my life? It was then that God drew me to Him. It was then that I was captured to face life in a new way. My life has never been the same.
I never “got help”. I never talked about it, but I realized later the depth of darkness that I lived in. It wasn’t until I was walking in the light (2 Corinthians 4:5-6) that I understood the battle with depression I had lived with for so long.
I still struggle with depression every once in a while but it’s on a much smaller scale and self-harm never even comes close to entering my mind anymore. Now I can identify it, talk to my husband about it and ask for his support, encouragement, and help. I have a few trusted friends that I can be utterly honest with who pray with me & support me as well.
I can easily tell you that if it were not for God saving me, I would be dead by now.
My entire story from deep depression to redemption can be read on my blog here.
Holly currently lives in Nebraska with her amazing & godly husband, sweet & smart 4-year old daughter & joyful 2 year old son. She is a stay-at-home mom who serves with her local MOPS group, and on her church’s Mission Leadership Team for missionary support. She writes at The Brown Tribe for the purpose of discipling and encouraging women and mothers. She is also a contributor for Missional Call, Raising Up Stones & Satisfaction Through Christ. In her spare time she enjoys coffee, photography, exploring the culinary craft, helping combat human trafficking through awareness and is currently writing her first book. You can follow along with Holly on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, and Instagram.
For More Stories About Depression
Blame Guilt and Peace- Lauren https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/03/24/blame-guilt-and-peace/
Not A Death Sentence – Sanjay https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/03/04/not-a-death-sentence/
His Precious One – Kamea https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/03/01/his-precious-one-kamea/
Depression and Victory Can Be Found In The Same Sentence- Desiree Taylor https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/24/depression-and-victory-can-be-found-in-the-same-sentence/
Pregnant and Depressed – Tanya https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/03/18/pregnant-and-depressed/
We Are Fearfully And Wonderfully Made Lisa https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/23/we-are-fearfully-and-wonderfully-made/
He Has Sent Us To Comfort The Brokenhearted Angel https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/21/he-has-sent-us-to-comfort-the-brokenhearted/
Killing My Critic – Rebeca https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/19/killing-my-critic/
GREEN GRASS FROM DEPRESSION Grace https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/18/green-grass-from-depression-series-grace/
I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU DECLARES THE LORD Jenny Cioto – https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/12/i-know-the-plans-i-have-for-you-declares-the-lord/
THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED Jenny Shinsky – https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/02/14/the-lord-is-close-to-the-brokenhearted/
STUGGLING MOM LIFT UP YOUR EYES Ginny – https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/01/24/dear-struggling-mom-lift-up-your-eyes/
SHAME IS LITERALLY KILLING PEOPLE Ginny – https://communitymoms.wordpress.com/2015/01/31/shame-is-literally-killing-people/
Lisa Brown’s Testimony Can Be Found In The Following Links
Frozen In An Icicle Of Depression