My heart danced when my Dad made a baby bed out of wood for my dolls. All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was to be a Mamma.
In time I would learn that God and I were not on the same page. His timing was not my timing when it came to marriage or having babies.
In my twenties I worked myself through college working in Childcare. I met a young man who I believed was the one. We were engaged for several years until I realized that he was never going to commit.
When thirty came around, I was the single girl at weddings all by myself and I worried what others would think, so I always left early sneaking out the door.
At thirty five everyone I knew had babies except me. I started to believe that my childhood dream to be a wife and mom was never going to happen. I felt like I was dying inside.
With thirty eight candles on my Birthday cake and sadness in my heart, I hid behind hurt doors wondering why God would make me wait so long. Maybe it was never meant to be.
I was wrong.
I met my husband that year.
I was forty when we got married in 2006.
We wanted to get pregnant right away. And we couldn’t. My husband kept pursuing me and we did everything the Doctor told us to do to get pregnant. And sure enough our baby boy was born on a hot summer day in 2008.
It was a rough pregnancy. I developed a blood clot in my leg. This however did not stop us from wanting one more. So in 2009 we started trying again. And sure enough I got pregnant.
On our second Doctors appointment we learned that our little blessing was not growing. And we were told that I would have a miscarriage.
I refused to believe it, I prayed night and day for God to save my baby. We called our loved ones and friends to pray for a strong heartbeat.
My husband and I went for long drives parking at dead ends and pleading with God to help our child grow.
And then a week went by and our Doctor told us on a Tuesday the heartbreaking news.
The heart was not beating anymore.
And my world around me stopped.
I disappeared into a fog for weeks.
We set a table up with flowers, lit candles, and took balloons to the park to release for our unborn child.
A week after the news, I started bleeding and cramping.
My heart broke with every cramp my body felt. This went on for a couple of days.
I was devastated and angry at God.
Yet I held on to God through it all and He brought me comfort.
We were going to wait a year before trying again.
But God surprised us and our little girl Kaylee who was born in the month of January 2010.
When I found out that I was pregnant I was happy and sad at the same time. I was sad because of our loss.
Every year on April 20th we celebrate our unborn child’s birthday with flowers and candles. This is the day that the Lord took our child home. James and I believe that we will see our little one there.
I’m excited for that day and I’m disappointed that I have to wait.
Our life doesn’t move on without Little One in our thoughts and prayers.
God’s plans are perfect. It doesn’t always feel like it is at first or make any sense. Sometimes we never know why things work out the way they do. I don’t know why I had a miscarriage and my need to know is becoming less and less.
In the midst of my sadness after the miscarriage, I didn’t care what God was thinking, I just wanted comfort. Life felt scary to me because I realized that it can be so unpredictable.
God has always been the rock that I stand on. He has always come through for me in the most unexpected ways. Even though I was scared, I knew I was o.k. I felt like I had been knocked out with a rug pulled out from under my feet.
I held my hands up to God so He could help me get back up.
And He Did!
In my times of grieving, I never stopped giving God thanks. No matter how hard my days were, I always found something beautiful to be thankful for.
To this day, I truly believe that my grateful heart and trust in God helped me be an overcomer.
This is my story and no one really knows what I felt.
I can’t assume that others who are grieving through a miscarriage are experiencing the same things I did.
Grieving can be a lonely place for a time.
But we are never alone. God is always with us.
We can only show up and be there for one another.
My friends sat with me,
My husband helped me to bed when I could not get there on my own.
Today I want to sit with you and help you get back up if you are grieving.