I believe discipling my four lovelies is the most significant thing I could ever do, BUT what I believe and how I FEEL don’t always mesh. How can the daily grind be significant?
‘Be faithful in the little things’?! Frankly, I want the big things, not the small! The ‘big things’ mean I am significant, not the nose-wiping, laundry-sorting, mediocre cook I see everyday.
I battle insignificance. I fear insignificance.
I have had opportunities, aka failures, to ponder my motivation to be significant and my fear of being insignificant and this is where my battle lies. I cling to the words in Romans 8:37 which tells me that I am a conqueror. The Greek word for conqueror indicates that I will conquer exceedingly so.
So I will believe I will win the battle between insignificance and significance and I will pick up my bruised ego and lay it at the altar and go for the small.
Notice I am not saying I am small. I believe I can be fully me—with all my quirks and personality—whether that’s loud or quiet, introvert or extrovert, active or sedentary, thinker or talker, cleany or messy—and go for the small.
What is the small?
It’s looking into the eyes of my kids and husband when they talk to me.
It’s single-tasking so I can focus on what their hearts are saying.
It’s pausing long to enough to watch the same child do the same flip for the 100th time.
It’s dropping what I am doing to run out to the barn to see the new batch of kittens.
It’s not begrudging the privilege to fill their bellies with good food.
Going small is an attitude shift.
I will be honest, it’s a daily battle.
But I have hope. I have hope as I battle to be faithful in the small, trusting God to take care of the big dreams of my heart and sifting through them to sort out which dreams are rooted in him and which dreams are rooted in my own selfish ambition.
I have been guilty of Christianizing my selfish ambition. I will say, do, write or sing all the while praying that Jesus will be seen in me, when (and this is the blackest of hearts) I am really wanting to be noticed.
Significance. Significance is about saying ‘yes’ to whatever God has for me including the dirt, frustrations, and joy that being a wife and mother of four brings.
Insignificance is fighting against what God’s will is and looking for affirmation from anyone or anything else.
What we do and who we are are intertwined, but who is to say that sweeping the cheerios off the floor is insignificant? Who is to say that reading the same fairy tale over and over again is insignificant? Who is to say that jumping on the trampoline is insignificant?
Sweeping the cheerios shows diligence to your lovelies. That’s significance.
Reading the same story shows you care to spend time with your lovelies. That’s significance.
Jumping on the trampoline shows the importance of playfulness. That’s significance.
But even in the midst of the everyday—there is significance. You—with all your quirks and personality and dreams and secrets—you are significant. I am significant when I rest in the now of the moment because I am saying ‘yes’ to right now and trusting God with my future.
Will I continue to battle insignificance? Probably, but I rejoice because it gives God an opportunity to refine me into the conqueror he wants me to be.